... So I asked for an elephant. I didn’t think they’d really get
me one, but that’s what it’s like around here, they can’t tell the
difference between truth and fiction. Hollywood!
Yeah, I am a star but ... an elephant! I mean, I
just thought of something outrageous, off the top of my head, for a
laugh, you know. I mean, look at it! Ellie. I guess it’s a
girl. That’s something.
I’m gonna need someone to muck her out, though. My God, that’s
one pile of crap she just dumped! Eeeew, Georgie, call someone!
Big ears, big trunk, big ass – reminds me of
that useless maid I had a while back. What was she? Puerto Rican? Well,
I don’t hold that against her; but she did keep knocking things over.
You remember? I think she drank. But when she broke the Lalique –
well, she had to go. I mean, it was a Lalique. Yeah, well, so she did
say she was sorry, and it was insured but ... ‘sorry’ doesn’t
resurrect art. It was one of a kind, for God’s sake.
But this elephant, now she’s a star. She’s
trained, you can tell. Standing so steady on that red and gold stool
they put in her enclosure. Balancing that little blue ball on her head
and on her ass.
Look! Aww.
Hey, I just realized! This is my enclosure! My
room! She’s enclosed in my enclosure. Go figure. Well, at least she
can’t get near the glassware. Or can she? That trunk, they say it’s
like a finger, with lips on the end. Imagine. Wow, you’d love it if I
had lips on my fingers, wouldn’t you Georgie?
Hey, cut it out! Not now! I’m on in half an
hour.
Here, Ellie, have a peanut.
Aww, she has such long eyelashes. Look! Aww, she
looks sad. Those can’t be tears, can they? Do elephants cry? I heard
they can pine themselves to death. They have these close social groups
and all the females take care of the little ones. And I heard they mourn
their dead and stay by the sick to comfort them.
Oh, yeah, and it was in the paper just the other
day – yes, I read the papers! When I get the chance. Not just for the
reviews! Whaddya think, I’m dumb or something? Anyway, they did this
test with a huge mirror to see if an elephant could recognize itself.
What did they call it ... to see if they were ... self-aware ...
apparently only chimps, humans and, maybe, dolphins are. Well this
elephant – ‘Happy’ they called her – she looked in the mirror
and used the image to find a red dot they’d painted on her head. Smart
girl.
Here, Ellie-Wellie, have another peanut. There’s
a good girl.
